You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
