we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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