mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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