I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
