New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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