If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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