So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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