Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
