OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
