I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
