I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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