Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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