If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
