If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
