somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Randomize
