i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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