my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
