Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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