my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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