can we get nightvision for the apartment?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
We need a shit load of segways right now
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
