u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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