Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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