Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
