I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
