You're my little dorito
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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