the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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