I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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