Moan for me like Helen Keller
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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