I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
