My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
