new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
