If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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