i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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