My cat gives me a boner
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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