When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
