she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
