thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
