he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
