I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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