I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
