There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
