During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
