I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
