my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
