I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
