genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
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