come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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