I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
