I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
