Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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