based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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