literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
