# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
