On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I just gargled with NyQuil
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I need water and some morals
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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